St. Patricks Day

Since today is a globally recognized day, I figured I should post something.

My brother and his friends visited today. I made them quite the meal. It was delicious, and appropriate for Lent. (Even with the apparent Pope exemption for today.)

We are having people over tonight. I don't know if I will know many of those who stop by.

A friend I haven't talked to since last summer dropped me an e-mail. It was exciting to hear from her.

Today is the birthday of my 5th grade teacher. I think she was my most favorite elementary school teacher, so that's why I remember. (Also, who could forget a birthday if it's on a semi-holiday?)

Off to rejoin people down stairs. I'm not drinking green beer tonight. Irish car bombs will do.

Oy

It's late, so this will be fairly short.

Gonzaga played in the first round of the NCAA tournament today. It was nothing less than a stressful, heart pounding game. We won. But we were down most of the second half. I'm glad they came through, though I wish we could have at least one game where I don't feel like peeing my pants.

My brother is in town right now to go to some rap concert tomorrow. He and three friends are staying the night. I am a very hospitable person, so it took me forever to actually come upstairs to go to sleep. I am still awake though. I want to listen to make sure they are not leaving the house unlocked or making a mess. I hope I can trust them enough. If something goes wrong, my brother will take responsibility.

17 days. I am excited.

Spring Break... meh.

I just got back to Spokane from being home in Bellevue for a few days. It may be exhaustion from the drive back, but I really am kindof bummed to be back right now. I can't quite pin point what it is, but I think it is getting harder and harder to leave home every time I return to Spokane. I guess it is good that this break is actually one of the last times I will leave my family to come to Spokane, but this means that I will at some point have to say goodbye to college life, and soon after say goodbye to my family as I embark on the next phase of my life.

Graduation is May 14th. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

I have not yet heard from the JVC. It has been two weeks. One more week until I worry.

I miss people that I rarely see. Some are in Spokane, others are spread throughout the country.

St. Patty's day is Friday. I hope I am able to have some sort of fun on that day. I hope it involves drinking.

3 weeks...

I'm out now.

Give me a "brake"

So this past week I have been paranoid that the back brakes of my car were about to wear out and stop working. Every time I would brake when going slow speeds, my car would make a grinding noise. I just got new brakes this past summer, so thoughts of broken brakes were very distressing. Every time I went out driving, I would drive slow enough so that I'd be able to almost roll to a stop. (I only really drove back and forth to/from school, so slowness wasn't too much of a problem.)

Well, today I was able to finally take my car in to get a brake inspection.

Let's just say I felt like a twit.

"Umm... your brakes look almost brand new. The back ones are fine, they look like they might have been cleaned a little recently as well."
"But the grinding noise..."
"Maybe that's a hard spot on the pads, but they're fine."

They ended up waiving the charge for the brake inspection, and just said that I should come back for the rest of my needs. I guess I know where my next oil change will be.

Procrastination!

I have a midterm in my 'Women in US History' class tomorrow and I must say, this is the only class I am taking this semester that bores me severely. I should be studying right now, fitting all the information I should have gotten out of lecture into my brain, but no- blogging is top priority for some reason. I hate it when I feel that going to class is a total waste. This professor's lectures are horrible and redundant... and she has a really long mullet. Not to say that people with mullets are bad, but I cannot listen seriously when there's "business in the front and a party in the back." I can't even take notes; all I have written legibly in the past two weeks is: "this is so boooooring, trying not to sleep" [after some indecipherable scribbles] "feeel aslelp." This will be an interesting midterm.


On a separate note, there is an event coming up that is now less than one month away. I am tortured because I can only discuss it with my housemate, who doesn't quite grasp how insanely excited I am. Sadly, I am not even going to discuss the actual event here, because of a couple things that hang in the balance.

I know I still haven't shared the location of this site with anyone yet, but I can't help but be paranoid. I'll share it on April 4th.

On another totally separate note, I have noticed on another blog of someone I know that she is going through a bit of a struggle right now. I feel like a twit for not even e-mailing her in these past months, but I still care about her and don't want her to have suffering in her life. I am praying for her right now, and I hope that somehow this quote comes her way some time soon:

"Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you a way out." - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Maybe I should e-mail her some time soon. I hope I can remember to when I don't have a test looming over my head.

Peace for now.

Music punctuates Life

Right now I am listening to a Fiona Apple song that was my favorite song around this time last year. This song is one that definitely punctuated that time for me.

"Never is a Promise" (lyrics, vocals, piano by Fiona Apple)

Lyrics:
You'll never see - the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements mad on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am now to proud to mention - to you

You'll say you'll understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch these things that i hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never fell the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message that I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie


Listening to those lyrics along with the music behind is gives a very vivid view of the mindset I was in last spring. So many of these lyrics struck home for me; about my friends, myself, my emotions, my actions. I look back now and realize why I was, at certain points, very scary to deal with. Depression had me in its grips for a majority of 2005. I have scars from the battle: scars on my body, scars in my friendships. It is the friendships that are thriving today that have shown me that people can grow- grow apart, back together, seperate but happily. Some friends came back and took even more importance in my life than they had had before; they have now seen me at my absolute worst (there are about 5 people on this planet who witnessed me in an extreme state) and a few stuck around to see me at my best.
Right now I believe I am in one of the best places of my life. I am intimidated by the future in a way, but I am ready to take it head on. I have gained a lot of wisdom through my experiences inside of my own head, and can now find an empathy for people in any situation. (Well, I must admit - I still lack understanding and empathy for people that exhibit road rage and honk a ridiculous amount in an intimidating fashion. They just frustrate me, there is no need for their behavior.) Overall though, I believe that God is putting me in position to lead a very purpose-driven life. I am ready to do His will; now if only I could remember to make it to church on Sundays...

My future has officially started.

Today I recieved a confirmation e-mail from the JVC East office. My application is now complete and officially active. This brings me immediately to thoughts of the future. How scary! One year ago, I knew where I'd be in twelve months - this time I have no clue where I will be in even six months.

I wonder where my friendships will stand in a year. Last year I had some ideas of who I would still be close to, but for the most part everything has changed and evolved. I have evolved. One year ago I was in a very bad place. I didn't even know if I would make it out of the school year. I would say more, but it doesn't need to go into writing.

More reflections later.

Late night rambling

I have yet to even hint to anyone that I have started a blog. Maybe in a couple weeks I will, when I actually have something to say.

I applied for the Jesuit Volunteer Corps this past week. I keep going over all that I wrote and filled out on my application, and I am not content with what I submitted. I want to look like THE ideal applicant. I also want to be totally honest. I hope I found a way to achieve both.

Last Wednesday marked the beginning of the Lenten season. Being Catholic, I should have gone to mass and received ash on my forehead. That was the day I spent finishing essays for my application. How ironic that I didn't go to church because I was working on an application for a position that would give me the opportunity to live the Gospel through volunteering next year. Life is funny that way I guess. I should think of something to sacrifice for Lent. I have not found something that was adequate to sacrifice for the past two years. One Lent I gave up meat. My Dad served a roast on Easter, my stomach was not at all happy with me. This year I want to do something that will really set the tone for Easter. I should have started thinking about this a week ago. Maybe I should give up forgetting things. If I can remember to do it.