I wish I was interesting

I think I experience enough in this small existence to actually be somewhat interesting with this blog. For instance, I just took a day to go down to Pasco and attend a funeral that was actually somewhat happy. My family is weird (like every family) and my trip down there probably would have enough content for multiple blogs. Even my return back to the chaos of the theatre would make for a good story.

But alas, I am not interesting.

I don't know how to put my world into online journal postings. When I write in my pretty little red journal, I end up rambling about whatever is on my mind or bothering me at the time - it probably wouldn't make any sense to anyone but me (especially since I get upset about the most inane things). I also have a little dream world within my journal that I like to describe. It's a form of escape for me, but I would never share with anyone what I think about or dream about in there - mainly because it is hard for me to admit to myself what I really want in life. I would never be able to expose that to anyone else, it would be too much of a risk - especially since it will never happen (and I want to be the only one that knows of my failed dreams).

Senior Ball

Shoot. I have to admit, I am glad that I went.
I went with some friends.
Problem is, I was drunk the entire time - heck, I am still drunk.
Wine is a wonderful thing.

Surreal

Today it felt like Spring. For real, for once.

Last night my grandmother died in her sleep. I found out in the afternoon. My mother's voice sounded heavy. I cried. I am drained now. 3 hours of sleep last night helped push me to the edge. I'm shocked that I am awake right now... I've gotten about 7 hours sleep in the past 48.

JVC has thought of a placement for me... as a youth minister... in Harlem. I would also direct the youth choir. I don't know if I'm good enough for that. But if God wants me there, I will go.

"If living is giving, I'm ready, I'm willing." - Ben Lee


I have decided that one day I am going to feel pretty. I'll let you know when I get there.

Break time

I am writing this while taking a break from my writing and studying for tomorrow morning. I have a test in 7 1/2 hours. I have a paper due two hours after that. I plan on completing both. I also plan on not sleeping tonight, so I am taking breaks to keep myself alert.
While I am quite stressed and overwhelmed with all that I have going on within the next few weeks, I think this is the perfect time to reflect on why I still have reasons to smile and greet the day. Following I have some links and notes that cause me to pause, to reflect, to pray, or to just be thankful.

This is a link to a website for the son of one of my mom's friends from high school. He was hit by a car and was in a coma for a number of months. He did wake up, but now has a number of hurdles left on his road to recovery. Stories like his inspire me and allow me to see how lucky I have been thus far in my life. Bad things happen to good people sometimes, but in the end the human spirit is stronger than the circumstances. http://www.nickruppert.com/

Blessings and memories. Photos of friends an good times, including the visit of one of my dearest friends : http://community.webshots.com/user/kellythelion http://community.webshots.com/user/jazzylion

Secrets. I have many that I do not share with anyone; some that I am ashamed of, some I can't admit to myself. Maybe one day I will share one or some. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

The best job I have had so far. I confirmed my passions with this one - http://www.bgca.org/

The ultimate procrastination tool: http://www.facebook.com/

Maybe one day I'll have some interesting links. I realize I am a boring person.

Back to work!

Hugs Help Papers

A few weeks ago when the good friend was in town, I had a huge paper due for a class. I worked really hard on finding enought literature for it and outlining it, and then hit a blank wall. I was so pissed that homework was keeping me from hanging out with him, and even more angry at myself for not doing it faster. At one point, my friend signed onto his aim to im me good paper wishes. One of the things he said was, "you have a big hug coming your way, hugs are good for finishing papers." Given, it took me a lot of time after that hug to actually finish my paper; but I did finish it - even though I thought the conclusion was total crap.
This morning my professor passed the papers back. He opened up by saying it would have helped a lot of people to connect to the text of the class more or to write a few more drafts. I figured my writing was crap and was afraid to get my paper.
There were only two sentences written on the front of my paper, along with the number of my grade:

98 - Excellent review of the studies. The studies are well described and the
discussion is excellent.

I wanted to cry when I saw that grade. I keep looking at my paper, trying to figure out what was good about it. I have no clue. I barely even remember what I was talking about. I guess it made enough sense for my professor. I can't believe it, I have a chance at getting an A in this class.
My other classes... not so much. But that's another story. Speaking of which, I guess I should work on the crap I have to do.

True Week of Hell Commences

The only way I can deal with this week is to be tense and complain about it a lot. I will make it, I will get through it - I work very well under pressure. I have decided that I need to vent a little, and since I have only told one person this address (who I am sure has forgotten by now) it is quite alright.
Complaints and annoyances:
1 - A housemate that cannot communicate. She is a SOCIOLOGY major and has NO social skills - she only talks through our fridge whiteboard and in post-it notes. Today I was compelled to stoop to her level and communicate to her through a post-it. I am less of a person for doing so.
2- Over-achieving student choreographers and their professor. There's a small dance concert this Thursday, and there are requests for what's available in the lights. I was told that they would only need lights on and off, not anything special. I will not be ready to give them anything. AND I'm pissed at them for even asking. I have enough shit to do, I don't need them asking for unneeded perks to their over-hyped class project, and I especially don't need them suggesting their help with designing. I don't know how I get into things where I have unintentionally committed to helping with something I don't give a SHIT about.
3- Classes. Why do I have things due, and tests coming up? I'm a SENIOR! I have worked long enough! Give me a damn break!
4- Parents. The only time my dad talks to me is when he has a money-related question or issue. I apparently am only a claimable dependant. At least my mom and I have this understanding of venting - she vents one night, I vent the next day. Lots of bitching, but at least we love the other.
5- BCC. My brother was in an internet class and thought he was bound to get an A. He got an F, but had checked too late. Now he doesn't know what to do. His f*ing professor never even warned him of the failing grade. Talk about no integrity!!
6- The Airforce. Apparently they think my other brother is not good enough for them. I have never met anyone more patriotic than him in my life. His only problem is in not knowing how to kiss teacher ass to improve grades. (And he's a little too into computer games.) But still... it's bullcrap that he can't even get a ROTC scholarship.
7- Money. It always finds ways to get away from me.
8- Senior Ball... it's this Friday. I STUPIDLY bought a ticket (mainly because I didn't want to sit there in front of some ditsy girls, figuring out which events I wanted - so I just bought the package). I don't have a second, so I can't ask a friend. I don't want to go alone and feel like a loser. Also, every one of my friends that is going is in a serious relationship. I am not even going to get near that. I hate how a dance can make someone feel inadequate.
9- Spelling. I think I have forgotten how to spell certain things; words don't look right anymore.
10- Sleep. I hate that I need it. All the time.

I feel better now.
I guess I will list some likes for the week as well:
1- The other housemate that can actually communicate like a human being. I love being able to converse with another person (since I haven't been getting out much recently).
2- Weight loss. I am now 9 lb.s lighter than I was one month ago. It is very slow, but my habits are starting to change and I am gaining more confidence (it is also a healthy way to go about it). Also, there's the added convenience of not needing to unbutton pants to take them off - they just kindof... fall (without a belt).
3- The sun.
4- Easter. I had a good Easter weekend (I went to a vigil and it was awesome). Also, a friend recieved some very good news today - which confirmed for me that prayer to St.Anthony really works.
5- JVC. I like that I'm in. I filled out my interest form. I feel good about what my options are.
6- Less than a month until I am a college grad.
7- I am still on a high from my friend's visit 2 weeks ago. His coming caused me to reflect on a lot of the relationships I have with other friends, and I am in such a good place right now. I love feeling content. I don't have lots of friends by any stretch of the imagination, but those few that I consider close are total treasures. He seriously just made the month, semester, year for me - just by being around. He trusted me with a huge secret (news of his coming), he actually wanted to spend time with me, he respected when I had schoolwork to do or when I needed personal time (and I respected his need for guy time and reflection time), he also showed me that he saw who I am and that I am a person that deserves good friends. * I keep obsessing about the friendships thing and the self-image thing, but I guess it is just a total shock for me to have any positive thoughts after hating myself for so long.
8- Life. It's unpredictable, and so awesome.
9- My journal. I have been really good at keeping up with it. I love it!
10- Mangos. Deeeelicious!

I forgot to mention...

I made it into in the next phase of applying for JVC. This is exciting!

Oh music...

In my process of writing in my journal today, I realized that there are certain songs that feel like they fit in my life right now. Some are joyous, some are descriptive, some are sad, and some are cryptic. Following is a sampling of songs and their lyrics that I'm "feelin" right now.

Waltz (Fiona Apple)
If you don't have a song / To sing you're okay / You know how to get along / Humming / Hmmm / If you don't have a date / Celebrate / Go out and sit on the lawn / And do nothing / 'Cause it's just what you must do / Nobody does it anymore / No I don't believe in the wasting of time, / But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine / If you don't have a point to make / Don't sweat it / You'll make a sharp one being so kind / And I'd sure appreciate it / Everyone else's goal's to get big headed / Why should I follow that beat being that I'm / Better than fine

I'm Not That Girl (Wicked the Musical)
Hands touch / Eyes meet / Sudden silence / Sudden heat / Hearts leap in a giddy whirl / He could be that boy / But I'm not that girl / Don't dream / Too far / Don't lose sight of / Who you are / Don't remember that rush of joy / He could be that boy / I'm not that girl / Every so often we long to steal / To the land of what might have been / But that doesn't soften the ache we feel / When reality sets back in / Blithe smile / Lithe limb / She who's winsome / She wins him / Gold hair with a gentle curl / That's the girl he chose / And heaven knows / I'm not that girl / Don't wish / Don't start / Wishing only wounds the heart / I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl / There's a girl I know / He loves her so / I'm not that girl

Burndt Jamb (Weezer) *This song is one of my most favorite songs... ever.*
gothic flavor / how i miss you / if i onlyonce could / kiss you / i'd be happy / for one moment / of my lifetime / i'd be there / and the water / running overme is growing / ever colder / make me happy / for one moment / of my lifetime /

My Best Friend (another Weezer)
When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you / You make things alright when I'm feeling blue / You are such a blessing and I wont be messing / with the one thing that brings light to all my darkness / You're my best friend / and I love you, and I love you / Yes I do / There is no other one who can take your place / I feel happy inside when I see your face / I hope you believe me / 'Cause I speak sincerely / and I mean it when I tell you that I need you / You're my best friend / and I love you, and I love you / Yes I do / I'm here right beside you / I will never leave you / and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying / You're my best friend / and I love you, and I love you / Yes I do / You're my best friend / and I love you, and I love you / Yes I do / Yes I do...Yes I do

I'm Willing (Ben Lee)
I took a breath of fresh air / I took in the view at the top / I took a lock of her golden hair / I took a look, it was gone / If living / Is giving / I'm ready / I'm willing / I took her heart, cause she let me / I took a walk in the dark / I took some time to decide / If it was right / I took a walk in the dark / If living / Is giving / I'm ready / I'm willing / I took a piece of the puzzle / I took a souvenir / I took both roads, everywhere they went / Now something’s gotta give /and I'm willing / and I'm willing / and I'm willing


I guess that's enough for now. The bold is what I particularly am feeling. Nothing is actually specific, though the friend song has a particular person in mind. Don't read too much into the rest of 'em. I just like certain lyrics a lot.
It's sad that I only get motivated to write on this thing in the middle of the night. I'll try to chang that... maybe.

Senioritis has struck!

Since the departure of my good friend, I have started to find it quite the challenge to be motivated to do any of the work I should be doing. Some things have just started to... not matter as much. I have found that right now I truly wish I could just focus on the friendships and the relationships that I have developed these past years. People are more important to me. Too bad I won't be able to help that many people unless I finish this dang degree.
Apparently I should hear tomorrow or the next day from those who interviewed me for JVC. I really hope that I make it in. If I don't... well, I am pretty interested in what God has planned for me instead. If I don't make it, then I have been totally misreading the signals in my life. I hope there is something out there for me to do.
One month until graduation. I can't believe it is that close. I can't believe that a year has gone by so fast. I can't believe how much of my college career was squandered away. I can't believe how many loans I am going to have to pay off.

I should go to bed now. I guess I only have one thing left to mention that is on my mind right now - I love how certain people can just lighten up my day. Whether if it is through the exchange of a look (of understanding or annoyance) or through a phone call from a distant place, I am so happy that I have those people who constantly make things a little brighter. It's like God has bestowed me with a team of misfits, with each member playing a role in the course of my life. Some support me when I am down, some are there to laugh with me when I am up, and some who are there all the time that just "get" me. I seem to be a simple person with a light side and a dark side, but really, I have a ton of layers that are only revealed around "team misfit."
I guess the part that really baffles me, is the fact that I am actually able to feel like I am worth the effort of the "team." I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life that I feel like I have true friendships - people that I know will always be honest with me, will challenge who I see myself as, and who will not be pushed away easily.
I hope they see me in the same light. I would do anything for them.

Wowza

It's been a long time since I have written on this puppy, and a lot has happened. I am in my school's library right now, so I don't have much time to get into many details for now. I hope that within the next few days I will be able to add a lot more. There's so much to say!

For now I will just say that last week I had the great pleasure and joy of playing host to one of my best friends. It was one of the fastest weeks of my life, but definitely one of the best of this year. This friend is one of those people that makes me smile just to think about him. He is one of few people in this world that actually knows me for real. I will likely get into more details later, but right now I will close with saying that I am happy right now because I have a friend like him.